As soon as I decided to write this, I did the math in my head. Based on my rough calculations it’s been about three years and a little over one month since we’ve had a conversation that lasted more than a few seconds.
Whenever I see you, I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes along with the uncertainty of not knowing if I did the right thing. We just smile, say hi and I wonder if you remember sitting on the floor of my kitchen at three A.M. eating leftover pizza, talking and laughing so loudly we woke my Mom up.
On the first day of seventh grade you sat next to me. After a week we were best friends, sharing lockers, and getting yelled at in English and Social Studies class because sometimes we just couldn’t shut up.
I read the messages from that last fight for the first time since it happened. At the end it just felt like an implosion. Wild, isn’t it, how a six year friendship can end over the course of an hour? It’s like all the uncertainty and resentment I’d been feeling for reasons I won’t get into could no longer be silenced, and they moved to my fingertips while I typed and took on a life of their own.
The thing is though, I don’t really regret it.
Our friendship was over long before that night. We were clinging to something that I think we both knew was no longer there. You might not have any clue anymore what happened that started it all in my mind and maybe you never did, but afterwards something broke that never got fixed. It was like this brilliant sense of clarity came over me and finally I was seeing you for who you really were. I stopped justifying what you did to me. No more excuses.
The conversations slowly became more and more forced until they just stopped all together, and acting like things were fine became too much work that was no longer worth the effort. I’m not sure why it took so long for me to just let go. Maybe it wasn’t fair of me to go on so long pretending like everything was okay, but deep down I know you knew it wasn't.
It’s not easy looking at someone and realizing you’ll never be able to see them the same way again. I miss who I thought you were. I miss lying awake at night talking until we lost our voices. I miss the feeling of security that I had knowing I could tell you anything. If I’m being honest with myself though, I don’t think I miss you and I don’t think you miss me either.
We started middle school together. We started high school together. We started college together. For the first time in years we’re starting a whole new chapter of our lives without each other and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been thinking about that lately. Regardless of what’s happened between us I hope you know I wish you all the best, and I have all the confidence in the world that good things are coming your way. I hope you don’t define our friendship by the way that it ended, because as ugly as that was I really am glad we had each other for all those years.